Dog Mentality: A newsletter from a Birds fan abroad (or at least outside of Philadelphia)

Week 1: “Eagles vs Patriots”

On Sunday February 12, 2023, your dear correspondent (that’s me, welcome new readers!) attended a Super Bowl party at his sister's house. “Attended,” in this context, is a noun meaning sitting in a corner, stress sweating through the entirety of the game, and going non-verbal in the 4th quarter. I don’t think I even touched a plate of food.

There was a lot of hype around The Birds before last season. Hype, that so many Eagles fans recognized from other painful seasons, (does “The Dream Team” ring a bell in the deep trenches of whatever file your brain shovels traumatic memories into?), but last year it turned out to be true. And then we lost the Super Bowl.

Does losing to a once in a generation talent like Patrick Mahomes make it any better? Does breaking your leg on a ski trip make the fracture heal faster? Of course not. But the only thing worse than losing a Super Bowl are the months where ESPN and Sports Center cover literally every other sport on the planet.

It's a dark time. A time when flicking on the tube to unwind after a long day at work equates to watching some pundit you don’t recognize breaking down the latest round of a bowling tournament. BOWLING. God, it's what people do when they’re out of ideas on vacation.

But bowling is behind us now and football is back. So it’s time to blog baby blog. Expect more of the same from last year — lots of shaggy personal posts about one Birds fan’s attempts to make sense of life and the decisions the Iggles make every Sunday. And expect some surprises (you’ll know them when you see them).

Lastly, as a reminder and heads-up to new readers: I believe talking heads and keyboard warriors should practice accountability. So if I ever get a take wrong, I will track it in my wins and losses column at the very bottom of the page. Yes, they will live there for the duration of the season.

Now that the preamble is out of the way, let’s get into it.

Birds Escape The Patriots

Admittedly, your dear correspondent didn’t catch this game live (that’s right, I crunch tape). I’d been given free tickets to the Chargers v Dolphins game in SoFi (shouts out Marc) and got all wrapped up in easily the most entertaining game from Week 1. Seriously, Chargers-Dolphins moved so fast it looked like one of the dogfights from “Top Gun: Maverick” landed in Englewood, CA.

But I digress. I did however, get updates on The Birds from family, friends, and various sporting apps. These updates had the same emotional progression as a McDonald’s meal. The first few bites were glorious: the Iggles looked all the way back. But as the game progressed, Philly fans might have noticed a slight tinge of pain in their chest. The same way a delicious Big Mac meal begins appealing and ends in what I like to call the “McSternum;” the Bird’s opening performance played more like a cardiac arrest scare than a victorious return to form.

Now you might be saying: “AJ a win, is a win, is a win, is a win. Why can’t you be happy?”

Because our win in Foxborough didn’t make me feel happy, all it did was make me feel a vague sense of relief. And I have a hunch this won’t be the last time.

T.B.T. (The Big Take)

Headline says: this season is not the ‘22-’23 season.

Now, your dear correspondent could be wrong, however, I get the sense that the primal euphoria we felt during most games last year — when we played football like the runaway train from “Unstoppable” (that movie bangs, by the way) — might have been an incredible once in a season experience.

Obviously we’re still good, especially in the Top Heavy NFC, but we don’t seem to be at the same gonzo football level we were at last season.

The numbers (courtesy of Sheil Kapadia at "The Athletic" and Ben Solak at “The Ringer”) don’t lie:

• 1 touchdown in 11 real possessions (lowest of any game of Hurts’ career)

• 17 first downs (lowest of any game of Hurts’ career)

• 251 total yards of offense (lower than any game last season, yes including Minshew time)

• 7 plays resulting in 10 plus yards (lower than any game last season)

• 1 play resulting in 20 plus yards (tied for lowest of last season)

Basically, the first game of this season was our worst offensive outing since ‘21 — youch.

All that said, in the spirit of not having an unnecessary stroke, here are some points for your consideration.

First, it’s week one. We’re coming off a Superbowl appearance hangover with new personnel everywhere and franchise starters who didn’t play in pre-season. Rust was shaken off.

Second, (again) it’s week one. We don’t know what we don’t know. Maybe the Patriots are awesome. Maybe their defense is fantastic. Time will tell.

So while it’s definitely not doom and gloom time, I predict we’re in for more ugly wins and losses than we were last year. Especially considering our out of conference games feature some legit heavy hitters, including but not limited to: The 49ers, The Chiefs, and The Dolphins. Here’s hoping we’re ready.

Defense and other things

The defense to its credit largely did its job. Our formidable lead came from a pick-six from living legend Darius Slay Jr.

But we also suffered some injuries. Linebacker and green-dot wearer Nakobe Dean went out with an injury in the second half. He’s been placed on the Eagles’ IR and will not return for Week 2. Corner James Bradberry has also begun concussion protocol and may not appear in the upcoming Thursday night game against The Vikings.

Sirianni is now on the record saying he has confidence in the depth of the 53 man and 69 man rosters respectively. So now, all we can do is wait to find out if new Defensive Coordinator Sean Desai is legit or if the guy lied in his interview.

NFC East Shuffle

• New York Giants (0-1)

  • (Sad trombone noise)

• Washington Commanders (1-0)

  • Pretty cool that the Commanders managed to beat a tanking team

  • Commanders fans seemed beyond thrilled to welcome their new owner

  • Dan Snyder, wherever you are, you franchise cheerleader-nude-photo-sharing pervert, on behalf of all of D.C. go pound sand buddy.

• Dallas Cowboys (1-0)

  • Super cool that we all get to be subjected to yet another season of Cowboys hype. Yay us.

Hot takes and answerable questions

• Joe Burrow, as undeniably cool as he is, apparently hates being good at football for the first few games of the season

• The 49ers are currently starting the Avengers of offense. McCaffrey, Samuel, Aiyuk, and Kittle might as well wear jerseys that read: Captain America, the Hulk, Iron Man, and Thor.

• More on the 49ers — is Brandon Aiyuk actually impossible to defend or do the Steelers just actually suck?

• The Vikings appear bad.

• Baker Mayfield is 3-1 on new team debuts. He threw 173 yards for 2 TDs and no INTs on Sunday. People hate this guy, probably because his name is fun to say, but somebody’s gotta win the NFC South.

• Did it feel like the Colts were missing something in their game against The Jags? Like what would have helped a rookie QB in a tough game? Could it be Jonathan Taylor? Hey Indianapolis: PAY THAT MAN.

• The Derrick Henry stiff arm is alive and well.

• Tua is amazing. Hill is untouchable. Coach Mike McDaniel looks like the smartest lunatic in the room. Hopefully everybody stays healthy.

• Bijan Robinson is going to be an absolute menace.

• The Bears will literally never, ever, ever, beat The Packers. Rodgers was never the problem, the problem is The Bears.

• This past year, famed American author Cormac McCarthy passed away. In his masterwork “Blood Meridian” he shared a particularly nihilistic view of life describing it as:

  • The truth about the world ... is that anything is possible. Had you not seen it all from birth and thereby bled it of its strangeness it would appear to you for what it is, a hat trick in a medicine show, a fevered dream, a trance bepopulate with chimeras having neither analogue nor precedent, an itinerant carnival, a migratory tentshow whose ultimate destination after many a pitch in many a mudded field is unspeakable and calamitous beyond reckoning.

• I imagine this quote is how Jets fans feel right now.

Dog(s) of the Week Award:

• Darius Slay Jr.

• Philly Kicker Jake Elliot with two 50 plus field goals on the day

• Tyreek Hill for shattering fantasy football scoreboards across the nation

Coming Up

The Eagles play The Vikings on Thursday Night Football.

Note: This season’s series is dedicated to my late grandfather John Newcomb Sr. A lifelong Birds fan and firm believer that sometimes, you just have to run the ball. Thank you for all your love.