Dog Mentality: A newsletter from a Birds fan abroad (or at least outside of Philadelphia)

Season Finale and the Playoffs

The NFL playoffs are the great equalizer.

All season, fans spectating from couches, barstools, box seats, nose bleeds, tailgate TVs, or even a swanky pool bar know one thing — our entire season is for not if we don’t make the playoffs. Ticket price doesn’t matter, pirated stream quality doesn’t matter, and waiting an hour for wings in a crowded sports bar doesn’t matter. All that matters is the feeling of sheer visceral joy a playoff run means for your team.

It’s gratifying in the same regions of the brain we share with less evolved mammals. Watch a hungry monkey light up when some pitches it a banana. Or a dog loses its proverbial shit when the leash comes out of the closet for a walk. It’s unadulterated joy. It’s pure bliss. It’s ecstasy in carnate and once a year the fan bases of 14 teams get to experience the same elation.

Why? For starters, it’s validation as a fan. Like your personal effort to watch and emotionally engage with every game really did make the difference. Plus it’s the ultimate “I told you so” moment for every fan who heard their team sucked over the course of the regular season (my apologies Jaguar fans).

But most importantly — it means your team gets more games. If your beloved franchise makes the playoffs, football doesn’t end in early January, nope, it at least rolls through the middle of the month.

Of course (as many a team is feeling right now) all of that elation comes instantly crashing down after the first loss. This only makes the wins that much sweeter, but it also makes saying “maybe next year” sting with the same bite of gale-force winds in the Arctic Ocean.

So in that spirit, let’s get into it.

Season Finale

I skipped a full breakdown after our season finale because frankly, I almost turned the game off.

I know we won. I know we were up at least 10 points for the entirety of the game’s run time. I know we were facing the Giants' backup QB. But, why couldn’t demolish the backup? Why didn’t we go up by 35 points in the first half? Why is the plight of Eagles fans so deeply ingrained with the fear of blowing it that we can’t be happy during a win?

I don’t have the historical reference nor the amount of time on the therapist's couch necessary to unpack that answer.

What I can offer is this: NY’s secondary is pretty gross. Their D-line is even grosser. It’s how they beat the Vikings during the Wild Card Weekend.

Most importantly, I think it highlights just how important our O-line is to our offense. Lane Johnson means a world of difference. He’s stopped all manner of rushing greats in his time and our team is fundamentally not the same when he’s not on the field.

With Johnson on the field the Birds on 59-21-1 (since his first start in 2016) without him on the field we’re 10-30. I’m no statistician, but I can confidently posit, Johnson means a metric ass-ton to our squad. Also, shout out to my dad for constantly fretting over Johnson’s health. His concern over Johnson’s presence on the field led me to do this research and its subsequent findings.

The other thing going against the Birds in their season finale was a still-on-the-mend Jalen Hurts. Sirianni and co (wisely) kept Hurts out of the open field to prevent further injury. However, without the threat of Hurts exploding out of the backfield for positive gain, the Giants already tough defense had one less peg to worry about. This really hurt us in the Red Zone and is likely the cause of all of our kicks.

All I can say is: I’m glad everybody’s back following a nice two-week rest.

T.B.T. (The Big Take) – A TRULY HISTORIC SEASON

This year was chock full of franchise record-setting, breaking, and firsts. Let’s look at the numbers to get the full view of the Birds' very impressive season.

• Most regular season wins: 14

• Total points scored in a season: 447

• Most receiving yards in a single season: 1,496 by A.J. Brown

• Most catches by a wide receiver in season: 97 by DeVonta Smith

• Most sacks in a single season: 70

• Most total touchdowns in a season: 35 by Jalen Hurts

• Hurts and Sanders became the first offensive pair in franchise history to score more than 10 rushing TDs each in a single season

• Smith and Brown became the first offensive pair of WRs to each post over 1,000 receiving yards in a single season

Wow. I said it before and I’ll say it again, the NFC was ours to lose. We won it.

Finally, for football fans who've been living so far under a rock this season they’re flirting with lower depths of the Earth’s mantle (the deep layer of all dirt of things separating us from the planet’s outer and inner cores; thanks 6th-grade science) Jalen Hurts is the guy.

Not kind of the guy, not a system quarterback, or another version of Mike Vick. He’s the guy. If our receiving core proudly calls themselves the Batmen, then Hurts is most definitely our Offensive Justice League’s Superman. There’s no functioning team without the guy. NBC Philly called Minshew’s loss against the Saints “a collapse.” Nuff said.

Eagles v Giants (38-7)

We were a better team. Better luck next year to our NFC cousins in NYC. Sorry about taking over the Empire State Building. Apparently one of your city planners is a big Philly guy. Personally, he’s my hero, hopefully, he survived his commute home that night. Also, I can’t imagine a world where NYC Mayor Eric Adams isn’t asked at least one time why on Earth the Empire State Building glowed with Philly pride during his re-election campaign. Good luck explaining that one to Staten Island.

Eagles v 49ers (31-7)

We can call this what it was: a fluke game. Not because we’re undervalued or because the 49ers were secretly bad. But because the fully healthy Eagles roster took the field for the first time in weeks and proceeded to play a 3rd string rookie QB, a 4th string veteran QB, and then a 3rd string rookie again who couldn’t throw.

If we’d lost this game at home it would’ve been more embarrassing than the butt fumble frankly.

There were a ton of weird ref shenanigans (although they were completely overshadowed by the judicial incompetence on display at Arrowhead that same day). There were a bunch of lackluster passes from Hurts (and a couple of stellar saves from AJ Brown). And there was a backup 49er tight end named Tyler Kroft assigned to block this season’s sack leader, our absolute dog, Haason Reddick. I don’t know if there was literally no one else for the job or if 49ers HC Kyle Shanahan just forgot to watch the tape the week before the game, but in hindsight, it seems like a poor coaching decision.

All in all, a win is a win is a win is a win. Plus our run game looked dynamite and the O-line had the answer for Bosa that a lot of other teams this season did not.

We’re going to the Super Bowl baby. 49ers fans can find solace in Bill Burr’s epic Philly rant for the time being.

Wins and Losses

• Loss: In Week 1’s edition a took a cheap shot for a joke about Tua being overrated. Big mistake. Did the Ravens secondary collapse in on itself like a blackhole? Yes. But did Tua capitalize for a legendary 4th quarter comeback? Also yes.

• Loss: In Week 2’s edition, I suggested the Bills would brutalize every opposing team so badly that the Bills “should give out adult diapers” to their opponents. Welp, I was wrong. They lost to Tua’s Dolphins and barely squeaked by the Ravens

• Loss: In Week 5, I spent a lot of time praising Sirianni’s restraint in the face of “aggressive analytics.” Then in Week 6 he left points on the board by going for a pointless 2 point conversion. We won, so it’s not the end of the world. But come on guys, just get the points.

• Loss: I didn’t put it on paper, but in heart of hearts I knew we were going to kill The Commanders. Obviously, I was wrong and we lost to those nerds.

Coming Up

We got the Chiefs in the Super Bowl. THE SUPER BOWL.